


Read It Again and Maybe You’ll Calm Down

by Monsters_and_Matsu



Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [6]
Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alcohol, Awkward Flirting, Drunk Texting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hope, M/M, Mental Anguish, Regret, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsters_and_Matsu/pseuds/Monsters_and_Matsu
Summary: Physically, Gordon is alone. Mentally, he’s battling new experience after new experience. On a particularly shitty night, he tries to find a way to cope that’ll work. He knows the only way to grow is to take chances and listen to what's really being said.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869784
Kudos: 45





	Read It Again and Maybe You’ll Calm Down

Gordon was at home, he has plans and ideas waiting for him. Kind text messages that had been received. Wonderful feedback on the personal projects he had shared with the world online, taking the risk of what could happen to anyone: Negative feedback. Yet he was proud of his work... He was so happy with it, the joy hobbies brought him...

But one bad mistake had set his entire week back.

_ I’m feeling kind of down and I had fun when I last drank with my friends. I’m going to have a few drinks tonight. I want that feeling again. _

What little reward he had gotten from that.

The initial drink had been nice. Letting him jam to music and vibe. But he didn’t feel like he had gotten drunk. He didn’t even feel that nice light buzz after 4 drinks. He quit, feeling sick to his stomach physically and mentally.

The troubled thoughts still swirled in his head, but now he couldn’t even use his hobby outlets to help himself. He couldn’t make his hands do what they wanted. He felt useless.

He felt like his body was drunk but all his thoughts weren’t any different... Was he already impaired before he started drinking? Or should he had tried to get drunk? He couldn’t make any better decisions than before. He just turned a slightly off night into a night full of pain.

The worst part.

The worst is he was too sick to sleep.

He was fighting the urge to vomit. If he had forced himself to throw up that night he probably would have felt better. But he didn’t want to, it always hurt. He feared it.

He sat in bed in agony. So nauseous... Every time he closed his eyes he felt ten times worse.

He looked at a group chat he was in and tried to entertain himself. But it was fruitless.

The time just kept ticking on...

The more he sat through the pain, his inhibitions dwindled.

He saw Benry in the group chat. He wanted to dm him. He needed to talk to someone and Benry told him he would always be here for him. Always have open arms.

And he had, he had talked to him lots of times before.

But Gordon felt like a burden. Like he only reached out to people when he needed support from them. Only reached out with bad news and weakness. Only took, took, took.

He didn't want his friends to hate him.

So, he tried another thing first. He reached out to someone he didn’t care about instead, maybe he wouldn’t feel as bad opening up. Fuck it. An internet stranger. A hotline.

They offered to say things for him, anything he wanted to bring him pleasure.

It made his heart beat out of his chest at first, the pulse going straight to his dick.

Then it faded into nothingness. A complete turn off.

He felt disappointed in himself. He couldn’t come for them no matter how much they told him it was ok. No matter how much they said they wanted him, no matter what they said they’d do for him.

It felt empty. He didn’t feel right.

Yet another thing he thought would help, making him feel worse than before.

He tried to go to sleep. But his body decided to torture him...

So horny, why was the pulse in his cock back  _ now? _ While all he could think about was the shame of what he just did? He was rock hard and he hated it... Why was he like this... it disgusted him... he didn’t understand it. He wasn’t sure who he was as a person anymore.

Was it left over excitement from doing something he never did before? That he opened up to a stranger and tried to be shamelessly indulgent even though he failed? That he had to look away and force an orgasm just to not hurt  _ their _ feelings? 

Why did he give so much and didn't feel like it was good enough... Even when he made himself uncomfortable to try to spare others feelings, he gave parts of himself away that he didn’t want to.

And he hated that he constantly did this... Did he want attention that bad? Was he actually a masochist? Did he just have no impulse control?

He just wanted to stop suffering... please... 

He couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to damage his friendship, but the moment he saw Benry was still online he direct messaged him.

“Can I ask you for some advice... I’m not feeling that great right now.”

Gordon tried explaining the situation without going too into detail. It was embarrassing. But he wanted to ask him if he thought he made a mistake reaching out to a stranger.

Benry replied with something about dating people online. Gordon, knowing he was being vague, told him that wasn’t what he meant.

“Oh sorry.” Benry typed, “I’m kind of drunk right now, so I might not be understanding right.”

Gordon wished that was him. That he had an excuse for falling apart.

“No it’s okay. Really.” Gordon reassured.

“If I say something that makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop. I get weird when I’m drunk, let me know.”

“You’re good, I’m enjoying talking to you.”

“Best Gordo.. You’re such a cool guy. I never met a guy that was chill with me like you..”

“Me? :flushed emoji:” Gordon was tickled by the compliment...

Benry answered right away, “Yes you! You’re so cool and funny. Like, I guess I creep normies out. But not you, you’re such a good little guy... I’m sick of bad boys. You’re so nice, such a good gordon <3”

Gordon was completely enamored reading that. He felt like he was in love. It was different than an empty sex hotline phone call. Benry knew who Gordon was as a person and it sounded like he actually liked him... but then he remembered he was drunk.

Talking to Benry made him feel so much better. So less alone. But he knew they’d probably feel awkward tomorrow... He didn’t want to hurt the both of them by talking when they both didn’t seem to be in the right mind. But he finally felt a little bit okay... He didn’t want to shoo Benry away when he did genuinely adore his conversation. He wanted to be with him. He just didn’t know if Benry felt the same or if he was just yearning.

He was worried one of them would lead the other on, it was possible they could change their mind later.

“Benry, that's so sweet... Like it makes me so happy. And... I’d love to flirt with you all night but maybe we should talk about this in the morning.”

“I’m sorry. I’m making you uncomfortable.”

“No no, really you’re not. I’m just worried about you.”

“I’m good, I’m comfy if you wanna keep talking, your a good guy.”

“You’re really such a nice guy at heart huh...” But then worry creeped in on Gordon and he typed without thinking. “Please don’t tease me if you don’t mean it... I can’t take the heartbreak.”

Oh fuck why’d he write that.

“Mm I’m pretty honest when I’m drunk.” Benry replied. Which was ironic cause Benry did nothing but hide everything behind jokes when sober, but Gordon knew this was true from prior hang outs. “And I got so much love in my heart, love for only someone that can handle it. And that someone is you.”

Gordon was in awe... He should have talked to Benry first. Went to someone he trusted even though it was embarrassing to open up and be judged by someone you cared about.

They ended up talking until 6am. It was all soft exchanges of flirting and sharing interests.

And Benry had earned a bit of trust and love Gordon had been afraid to give out again for a long time. Not just with flattery, but when Benry did say one thing that was too sexual for his taste, Freeman let him know and he dropped it immediately. He listened to him, actually cared and listened. He didn’t try to make him feel bad or do what he didn’t want. And that was a change that said a lot.

When Benry stopped typing, he knew he must have fallen asleep. Gordon strangely though, didn’t feel all that tired. He went on to do some things that day. Around noon his phone notification goes off again.

Benry sent a flushed emoji, then continued typing. “Man, what did I do? I used pet names and everything. I’m really sorry.”

Gordon wore a little sad smile... “Why are you apologizing?”

“Well, I was really fucked up last night.”

“It’s okay, we both were drinking. It’s my fault too.”

“Oh, you were fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Gordon bit his lip. Unsure if Benry’s mind had changed, since it seemed he might be regretting their convo...

“Can I ask you something?”

“Course.” Benry wrote.

“Would you consider dating me and are available? Not saying we have to pursue each other. I just want to know if I’m making an ass of myself.”

“Yeah, you’re cool. I would.”

“That’s a relief.”

Gordon had to be clear, even if things felt awkward he knew things would be okay after having clear facts to rely on. For the moment, he felt like everything would be okay. These feelings would pass like everything else... eventually. They always did.

A couple days went by though... and life wasn’t giving him an easy time.

He woke up today feeling immensely shitty. His body hurt, the awkwardness still poking him and life throwing it’s own stress his way.

He felt alone. He paced around not knowing what to do with himself, he wanted to go to someone but he didn’t have that luxury.

He decided to clear his other obligations. Yeah he had stuff to do... but he was so fucking sad. Maybe if he wrote it out he could at least cry and get moving in the right direction.

So he did that. Taking the time to write how he was feeling and recalling the bad and good parts of the last couple days.

Huh...

He was completely expecting to write a horrible vent with all his negative feelings. But then he recalled his text conversation with Benry.

He was able to reflect on it as he tried to write it from memory, and taking a second look, maybe it wasn’t as anxiety inducing as he thought. He thought maybe they had fucked up, saying all these fluffy feelings to hastily.

It made him feel better, seeing clearer meanings in their words that he wasn’t aware of when typing them.

He never had his emotional feelings for another person reciprocated before.

Things like recent mistakes and life problems were weighting on him, but he felt a little more happy for the positive things he did have.

It wasn’t all mistakes that night, and maybe something great could happen in the future.

Interesting, his self care writing had helped him feel better in a different way than he expected. He felt hopeful being reminded that not everything he did was bad. Just new and uncertain...


End file.
